fears…

I would probably consider myself a fearful person. I’ve come a long way in 26 years, but I really feel like I have a long way to go.

I was terrified of heights. So, I set out to go on every roller coaster in Six Flags. I jumped off a 32 foot cliff. I went on a canopy tour hundreds (or thousands?) of feet above ground. Many of these things scared the crap out of me, and yet, I did it anyways.

I was scared of being alone. So, I started out housesitting at other peoples
houses and then, this year, moved in by myself. It scared me, but I did it anyways. It doesn’t scare me anyore.

But, I still deal with my biggest fear on a daily basis. And, I don’t know how to get through it. And, to be frank, I’m not even quite sure what exactly it is I’m afraid of. For a while, I thought I was scared of failure. And, to a point, I am. I am a perfectionist. I like to do things just right. And, when I don’t think it’s going to be perfect, I completely shut down. The more important the task, the worse it gets. But, it’s not just this. I think my biggest fear is a fear of myself. I work hard to be the best teacher, the best student, the best daughter, the best Christian, the best anything… that I can be. And, then, without fail, I fall short. So, what then? I’m terrified for people to see me as less than the best. I know that they know that I am not perfect, but I think, too often, I refuse to show them that side of me. It’s almost like I see so much wrong with myself that I can’t handle the thought of anyone else seeing them, too. Am I alone in this? I don’t know why, but this year, this has been crippling for me. This fear of being found out, exposed for all of my many faults.

So, where do I go from here? I honestly think just admitting this is a baby step, but I know I need to move forward. Ijust don’t know how. I always thought I was pretty real. My humor tends to be self-deprecating, but I think that’s just one more self-defense mechanism. If I acknowledge my faults first, maybe it won’t hurt as much if they notice them, too.

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