A year ago today…

by

A year ago today my back began braking. I reached behind a bookcase to pick up a book that had fallen behind and felt a twinge.  It all went down hill from there. :)   (Although it didn’t break completely until March 31st.)

A year ago today, I thought it was just a rough patch and I’d be good as new in a week.

A year ago today, I didn’t know that grocery stores were places you visited on “good days”.  I didn’t know all the ways to get dressed without pissing off my back.  I didn’t know I’d be in bed for eight weeks, unable to walk without assistance.  I didn’t know I’d have the surgery I so adamantly was against, because it was really my only option.  I didn’t know my future husband would have to be my primary caregiver for 12 months, doing all my laundry, cooking most meals, and all around providing (literal) support when I needed it.  I didn’t know I’d go through two doctors, four MRI’s, one cat scan, countless x-rays and prescriptions, and seven months of rehab just to be where I am now- better than I was before surgery, but nowhere near where I thought I would be seven months post-op. 

It’s hard looking at the year mark and knowing how much more work still needs to be done.  I’ve had many setbacks in this journey:  a car accident (the most recent one we’re dealing with), sacroiliac joint dysfunction, going back to work, and infection in my spine.  (And those are just the ones since the surgery!)  I meet with two doctors tomorrow- one to find out what damage happened from the accident, the other a rheumatologist to see if arthritis might be a factor in all this.  I’m praying for answers and a solution.  I’d love it if I got them all tomorrow, but I know now that it’s a process and answers (and solutions) will take time.  And, yes, I’m frustrated that the healing has taken so long.  I’m frustrated that my life now revolves around how my back “feels”. 

But, throughout this rough patch, I’ve learned a lot of great things, too. 

I’ve learned about what true love was and what it looked like.  Bear and I certainly loved each other before all this, (after all, we were engaged!) but nowhere near as much as now.  The movies and television would have you think that true love is wine and roses, but, for me, true love is the feel of his hand that supports my back when I have trouble getting out of my chair or up an incline, the sound of him cooking me broccoli for dinner even though it’s making him gag, the sight of the remote lying next to my chair because he knows when I get home I collapse.  He’s been my rock, my cheerleader, my confidant, and, the man I always hoped for, but never thought existed.  This could have broken us apart, but instead, it drew us so much closer together.

I’ve learned even more about the power of prayer.  Throughout this experience, I’ve been covered in prayer.  Acquaintances from high school, childhood friends, friends of friends, Sunday school classes, and a ton of other people have covered me in prayer this year.  I even have a prayer blanket that has knots symbolizing different church members prayers over me.  It’s one of my prized possessions now.

I’ve been blessed by the company of a lot of great people and learned that some people care a lot more than i thought.  I needed a lot of help on bed rest, so lots of people came to visit me and help out.  I can’t even describe how grateful I am for them.  Others came over and just sat with me and talked.   They helped with my sanity.  People still drive out of their way to pick me up or drop me off when I’m not up to driving.  I’m so blessed by the people in my life.  They’ve all gone above and beyond this past year.

I’ve learned not to DO so much.  I can’t do it all, and I’ve FINALLY become okay with that. (Well, maybe not every day, but most days I’m okay with it.) I do the best I can with what I can for as long as I can. 

And, lastly, I have learned about the day to day living of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18,

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Have I lived it out perfectly?  Absolutely not.  I’ve had my pity parties, shed my tears, etc.  But, at the beginning of all this, I read that depression and back pain go hand in hand.  I knew I couldn’t necessarily prevent depression, but I could fight it the best I could.  I could actively find the good in each situation I found myself in.  I could focus on the positive, no matter how small. And, so I did my best.  I’d like to think I’ve fought it pretty well, all things considering.  These past few months, I struggled more and I found myself sinking again.  A wise friend suggested I start a gratitude journal, and that has also helped a lot.  It’s helped me remember that there is always, always, ALWAYS something to be thankful for. And, I’m thankful for the process, because it’s reminded me of just how great life can be- even when you’re injured.  :)

Friend making Monday… on Tuesday.

by

Because that’s how I roll… :)

1. Outside my window I see…lots and lots of rain.

2. My kitchen counters are…grayish/brownish/tanish stone.  It sounds ugly, but it’s really pretty!

3. Yesterday I drank…two cups of coffee (one too many if you ask me) and a lot of flavored water.

4. My cell phone is…okay, but being upgraded to an Iphone in March!!!

5. My computer is…in my lap.  It’s also red, which rocks.

6. My favorite reality show is…Project Runway!

7. My workouts are…nonexistant for the past year… unless you count physical therapy. :)

8. The last book I read is…I think book four of the Green series.  It’s set in Northeast Louisiana which is where I went to school and have a total soft spot for.

9. My week will be….low-key this week. Mainly just trying to make it through.

10.  So far 2013 has been…about the same as 2012.  More health stuff, more worries about my family’s health, but a whole lot of gratitude to be given all the blessings I have.

2012 Reflections

by

Wow!  Another year completed.  I do these every year, and I love seeing the progression of life and my feelings and thoughts about it. :)   I hope you do, too!

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Without any hesitation, marrying Bear.  This year has been hard, but there’s still daily moments where I feel like I should pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.  Our life is not perfect, and neither are we, but we are so happy to have each other and it makes life great.
2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Hands down, the back troubles.  January 13th, I leaned down to pick up a book that fell behind a bookshelf and was injured from that point forth.  It steadily got worse until March 31st, when I sat up from the couch and heard something pop. (Months later, we discovered that was the final break in my back.)  I didn’t walk or sit up for long periods of time again until after my surgery May 22nd.  The time since then has been dealing with recovery amidst too many setbacks (infection, going back to work too early, car accident, sciatica/hip troubles, etc.)
3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I never realized how loved I was until this back drama began.  My family, Bear’s family (especially his mom), my church, and my friends supported me in so many ways.  They made a hard situation so much easier.  We are truly blessed. :)

Another unexpected joy was literally walking down the aisle on my wedding day.  Because I couldn’t walk unassisted for about twelve weeks, this was a huge prayer request and worry throughout the injury.  Actually walking down the aisle with my husband, when I wasn’t sure it was possible, with the crowd of people that prayed me through it, was perhaps the single best moment of my life so far.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Brad being sick since October has stretched our family in new ways and made us very aware of just how precious life and family are. We’ve rallied around him and Tambry, and although the battle is not over, I’m glad we’ve been able to get through it together.

5. Pick three words to describe this past year.

back, love, trust

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your year—don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you.

back, marriage, rest
7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their past year—again, without asking.

help, marriage, change

8. What were the best books you read this year?

I reread the Hunger Games series in anticipation of the movie, and they’re still the best books I’ve read in a while.

I’m currently reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and that book is stretching me and nurturing me in a new way, as well.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

Bear, my mom, and the people that helped me while I was on bedrest, especially Bear’s mom, Monica, Marsha, Janie, and Debbie.  They all really went above and beyond and  I will always be grateful for their love and support.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Perspective.  Although 2012 in many ways was hell for me, it was also full of blessings.  Bear and I grew closer out of our struggle and fell deeper in love throughout this struggle.  This type stuff could have torn us apart, and we are grateful it didn’t.  I also couldn’t help thinking about the people where this wasn’t a temporary setback for them, but a lifetime of pain and struggle.  It’s opened my eyes to the suffering that is happening around me, when I think I was a bit oblivious before.

Also, during the time my brother was sick, I attended three funerals and the CT shooting happened. It made me so aware of how lucky we were to have Brad alive and, although not yet well, a chance to get better.  Christmas, although strange, was filled with gratitude that he was there, even if in the hospital.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I think I’ve become a lot more patient with my emotions.  I’ll give in to the fear, the frustration, the sadness, but then I try to find a way out of it, primarily by thinking of my blessings.  It’s been very helpful.  This too shall pass and it could be worse seem to be my mantras these days. :)

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

There’s a lot of room for growth here, but I think the best way I grew was seeing God’s perfect timing and the power of prayer.  There were so many times where I couldn’t figure out why this was happening to me, and then it would become clearer weeks/months later. 

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

Although I’m still leaps behind where I was when I started the year, I am walking again and am making some progress.  I can work, go to the grocery store, not have to park closest to the store, and go to a store or two in the mall.  I can’t wait to see where I’m at this time next year… hopefully I’ll be back to normal… or at least without chronic pain. :)

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

In many ways, some of my relationships have suffered greatly this year.  I can’t be the go-go-go person that I was before all this, and my life is a lot more day to day than it’s ever been before.  That hasn’t always been well received from some friends, but the ones that have understood have my heart. :)   It’s a long, hard road and I’m so blessed by the people that have stood by me through it all.

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Before I stopped working due to my back, I was really questioning whether teaching was for me.  Being forced to step away from it for five months really caused me to do some soul searching, and I think it renewed a passion in me for teaching.

Hands down, the best part about my job is my kids.  They’re sweet, funny, intelligent, helpful, insightful, and just an all around good time.  I will be very sad to see this group of sixth graders go.  They’re truly a delight.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Not being there and then coming back probably sooner than I was ready.  August and September were hard and painful.  Had my kids not been so amazing, I think it would have been even worse.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Pinterest or Tiny Tower, I’m sure, but I don’t regret much of it.  It truly kept me sane during the bedrest and recovery period.  I’m more grateful for it than anything.  :)

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

As always, the time I spent with my family and friends.  Because of my health, Bear and I had a LOT of quiet nights, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.  We’ve built a life together that’s sweet and satisfying, even amidst the struggle.

Also, my friends and family continue to be my biggest blessings in my life and time with them is never wasted. :)

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

Comparison is the thief of joy.  There were so many times where I looked at other people and got so jealous because of their adventures, good health, easy wedding stuff, etc that could have driven me bonkers, but I had to concentrate on dealing with what I was given and finding the blessings within my situation.  It really helped.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes this past year for you.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. :)

Typical day in my life…

by

Monday- Friday

5:30- alarm goes off.  hit snooze.

6:20ish- panic because I’ve hit snooze for way too long.  Get up and get ready.

7:15- leave house

7:45-3:15- teach!

3:15- 4:15- get stuff done.

4:15- leave for therapy

4:45- arrive for therapy.  Change into swimsuit and get on aquatic treadmill and stretch.  Then get out of swimsuit and do land stretches (fully clothed.)

6:30- leave and head home.  Pray I can walk.

6:45- Collapse into chair and bat eyelashes at husband in hopes that he cooks.  He usually does, because he’s amazing.

7:15- eat… hopefully while watching Once Upon a Time and/or How I Met Your Mother.

10:30- begin getting ready for bed.

11:15-11:30ish- asleep. :)

10 people who have influenced me.

by
  1. Jesus.  As corny as it sounds, I do think of what He would do in a situation I’m struggling in, and I try to go with what I think he would  do.  He’s my #1 influencer, and his scripture helps me more than I can say.  I’m so thankful for scripture, especially the ones I’ve put to memory.
  2. My mom- she’s like my Jiminy Cricket.  I hear her voice inside my head more than any others. :)   She’s also my best friend.  We’ve had to navigate this whole “leavin’ and cleavin’ ” thing this past year, but I think we’ve found a healthy balance.  She’s one of my favorite people, and I know what my momma’s gonna think about most things before I ever ask her opinion.
  3. My daddy.  He teaches me to be more giving.  He gives himself until he doesn’t have anything left to give, and then he gives some  more.  Although I think he does need to learn to say NO more often, I still think he’s an amazing, giving person, and I want to be more like him.
  4. My husband. :)   His unique view of the world and passion to be a better person inspires me.  He’s also so giving and caring.  I can learn a lot from him.
  5. My FCS teachers, especially Mrs. Tuten and Dr. Camp.  These guys can be my Jiminy Cricket’s, too, especially in regards to relationships.  I think of all the conversations I had with Dr. Camp and Mrs. T inside and outside the classroom, and, even 8 years out of college, their wisdom and guidance still stick in my mind.
  6. My godparents, especially my godmothers.  They really should be called my fairy godmothers, because they are that fantastic.  They each have their own unique passions, but I love their view of the world and advice that they dole out.  They, along with their husbands, are a huge part of who I am.
  7. My college minister, Scott.  He was a huge influence in my life in college, and I still hear his passions and encouragement when I’m seeking God’s will over something.
  8. Dr. Christopher, my graduate advisor and professor.  Dr. C has a passion for giftedness and a passion for her students.  She never, ever let me get away with giving anything less than my best and she helped build a passion I didn’t even know I had.  She nearly killed me at times with her high expectations, but I’m so much of a better teacher and person because of it.
  9. My friends.  I can’t just name one or two, because they all have been huge influences.  Whether it’s been how to survive unspeakable tragedies, learning to love yourself- flaws and all, following your heart, or just plain old relationship advice, their influence and acceptance of me makes me a better person.
  10. My students.  They’re amazing.  Children are truly a gift, and their insight and view of the world is something that challenges me on a daily basis.  This crop of students this year is one of the naturally sweetest group of kids I’ve ever encountered.  They ask me about my back on a daily basis, worry about my brother’s health, and genuinely love me and the rest of the students.  They’re a sweet, special group and I’m lucky to be their teacher.

Day 8: Passions

by

I would say I’m a pretty passionate person.  Here’s the things that light my fire:

1. GT- it’s my career, so I’m glad. :)   I hate the way the education system so frequently stifles gifted learners.  No Child Left Behind, and no Child left unchallenged is my unofficial motto.  All children deserve to learn.

2. My faith- Jesus rocks.  I’m a fan.

3. My family.  I’m pasionate about being the best wife/daughter/sister/aunt I can be.  I fail at this more than i succeed, but i never stop trying.

4. Creative outlet- my actual passion differs from photography to sewing to whatever else I decide to care about at the moment, but I love having a way to express myself.

5. Life in general- it’s short and it’s precious.  I try to make each moment count.

Day 7: Dream Job (s)

by

I don’t just have one dream job.  I think my interests are too varied for that.  So, here’s my list of dream jobs and a quick description of each.

  • Stay at home mama- I think this is probably the most consistent dream job I’ve had.  I want nothing more than to devote my life to my husband and kids.  We’re working to try and make that possible at least for a few years when the time comes. :)
  • Marriage and Family Counselor and/or Adolescent Counselor: I think this would be an incredibly hard but rewarding job.  I’d love to counsel gifted children, but I’d also love to help families thrive. 
  • Cake Shop Manager/Owner: I’ve always wanted to own a bakery with my brother.  I just think it would be an awesome adventure, and his talent should be more celebrated than it currently is.

Day 6: (almost caught up!): The Hardest thing I’ve been through

by

Ironic that this was my topic for yesterday.  I would have given you an earful.  :)

The hardest thing I’ve ever been through is this back thing.  In many ways, I’m so lucky that this is the hardest thing I’ve been through, but I have to be honest- this has really sucked.  To go from running a 5k each month to not being able to walk within a few months, and the subsequent six months of recovery has been rough, to put it mildly.  I yearn for all the things I took for granted- walks in the mall, a trip to an amusement park, sightseeing, working out.  All of those are either out of the running or really hard to accomplish.  Instead, my life is filled with therapy appointments and planning my life around my temperamental back.  Not to mention, this back stuff puts a huge cramp into my newlywed status. ;)  

Yes, there are definitely some blessings that have come out of this: Bear and I are so much closer than we were before because of how much we’ve been through, we’ve seen prayer work in powerful ways, and I’ve gotten closer to a few people because of it.  So, it’s not been all gloom and doom.

But, I miss the carefree days before my back dictated my life.  I hate that Bear’s almost known me just as long injured as he has healthy.  I hate that I’m scared to plan ahead or commit to anything because I don’t know how my back will feel.  I hate that people have to cater to me and treat me like I’m 80.  It’s just hard to feel so young on the inside, but have a body that acts so dang old.

Hopefully, a few years from now, this will all be a distant memory.  2012 will just be the hardest year of my life that also had the best day of my life in the dead center. :)